Awakening from Slumber to "Tears" !

“Cry”

I have always explored & wondered over the reasons behind crying…. Something that I have been thinking for a very long time. Is it all about emotions? or is there a larger understanding that is required to explore this simple ,yet the most powerful word in English language which will perhaps make everyone Marvel ???..

Before I started writing this post, I had a feeling if this would end up anywhere?? However, once I commenced to explore the depth of it, it was vast & capricious; beyond a measure that I could fathom...

….There is always a lacuna between yearning & fulfillment! Every human being strives for certain cosmic balance that opens up the door of freedom & order…

Its important, that we be aware of the greater ascetic heights for attaining an equilibrium…I always felt the best way to expand our thoughts is to either speak out or write as long as we could, because the more we write, the more our awareness grows !...But I am neither a wannabe writer nor a poet !..It is my unapologetic fetish, for subjects based on human emotions that make me think & write further …

I recently read about Mr.Cat Steven & his works, (Considered to be one of the greatest musicians of United States of America).In one of his interviews, he had said,

“I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry.”

…. “Have you ever wondered the depth of this Proverb??..” My mind kept telling me…He was my drive behind writing this Post ….I started analyzing the Irony behind Steven’s Words.....

My three years of life @ Chennai was mostly spent in watching movies in theaters, as well as in a 10 years old Computer at my Aunt’s place which still continues to be my favourite …! The genre of movies, which I started to explore, changed…

From watching the demigods of Indian Cinema (Dr.Kamalhassan & Mohanlal) for over a decade, it stretched to an unimaginable extend that my exploration towards World classics kept expanding every day!!...

I learned about love, lust, friendship, relationship from Cinema & Books…!

My Mama used to tell me when I was kid that only in Indian Cinema you can see people weeping over everything. Untill my exploration towards word Cinema grew, I still believed this Stupid yet funny fact told by my Mama …!But I realized almost half of our Indians have grown conceiving the fact in their mind when I happened to watch a program in one of the famous television channels!!..For most Indians, if it was a foreign movie, it depicted only Supernatural element, Action, Thriller or Animation & nothing beyond it!!...:) Only we could cry, only we could create the so called melodramatic characters was what we have stamped!!!...

I know there is a lot of absurdity in this bizarre topic! I just wanted to penetrate into different situations where life calls for every human being to shed a tear each time!..Nevertheless, why this?..the questions kept boggling in my mind …

Something very interesting that I would like to share is an Incident that happened between me & my mom … My appa & amma always taught me on how to lead a life during extreme situations! Being a single child, they taught me the nuances of leading every bit of life as I grew along the world … Thus; we were never a closely-knit family! We cared, loved & respected for each other. However, we hardly displayed any element of emotion whenever there was a separation for few days or anything of that sought between either one of us...

However, it does not mean any exception to our closeness… Appa was & is always my mentor & Amma my best friend!! I vaguely remember either one of us having cried for almost a decade over any argument/fight or over any long separation.

This happened around a month back when I was @ Coimbatore… My mom had just finished her chores in the Kitchen by around 5.30 & I called her from my Balcony …My stomach was craving for Dosa !!...The moment she heard me, she rejected it stating her unending hours of work in the Kitchen….I argued; she howled & we parted!... The uproarious debate over the Dosa ended up after 10 minutes…I left dejected to my Balcony & continued reading John Grisham’s Ford County Stories…15 minutes passed & Amma arrived right next to me & asked if I needed Dosa…Understanding her difficulty, I said it was alright !... Suddenly she burst into tears!!..I was taken aback….

Her rejection & my dejection over this evening Dosa was a part & parcel of our life that has been happening for years & none of us even bothered to speak about it later on, even for a single minute…@ times, I was lucky enough to get & most of the time, my stomach cried !! I saw her weeping after years that I could not resist my own tears! She embraced & cried as if something terribly wrong had happened? Even if I cried a bit along with her, I wondered with amazement later on…

These 2 & 1/2 Years of separated life has made her more possessive towards me!..I was slowly but steadily becoming a mere guest @ my own house! I thought within me…

“She must have missed my presence to a great extend over these years”. Something, which she never bothered to tell me even for a single time! My dejection made her feel for me…

From then on whenever I heard Raja Sir’s Masterpiece “Chinna thai aval thantha Rasave” , I had lump on my throat !....

My friend Maria tells me, that she hates to see guys crying! We text (sms) & debate on it for hours, still unable to break our differences …I always feel Crying is a form of peeling our emotions (be it joy, sorrow, or whatever) from our physical structure … Crying is a refuge of Hope, Despair, Loss & Redemption

My fascination towards this word grew as I saw different live situations totally diverse from one another…

I remember a beautiful quote of Will Rogers – “An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh”

Strange but true!!..Sometimes small is big & this small word being explored leads us to innumerable situations that we keep encountering in our life!..

I had a chat with him after almost 8 Years … It took me around an year & half to find him in one of the most widely used social networking site…a drop of tear fell from my eyes. Alas, I found my childhood friend…We were neighbours then when I started to stay at my Newly Built house @ Kalpathy from our Ancestral home, way back in 1996..Our friendship lasted for 3 years untill I left to Kannur..We ate, slept & even took bath together! There hasn’t been a day where I had not played with him…Finding him after almost 8 years was truly an amazing feeling!..Even if I had news about him & his family from few others, we never contacted…This separation made our relationship widen to a great extend that in spite of my overjoyed approach towards him, I hardly found any excitement in his! I was shocked??...How could a person change in a course of time??..

Years passed …Life changed…Sometimes we need to accept certain bitter truths …

I still remember my train Journey way back in 2004 to New Delhi …

He called her Hasina Khalto ( Khalto is an Arabic word for Maternal Aunt) .. Sameer Hussain was 13 & I was 15 then …His face seemed as if he was a victim of some disaster …For the first time, I saw a small boy travel alone in an A/c Coach from Madgon to New Delhi via Konkan … I tried to initiate a conversation with him after almost an hour since he boarded from Madgon …Except for his name, he remained silent for the next 3 hours…

I don’t exactly remember how he began to narrate his story; but he went on to tell me what he was going through in his life after almost 4 hours of continued silence. It was a truly devastating one, which shattered me like never before…

“Yumma (Mom)! Your face is starting @ me in my lucid dreams. The words “I love you” are formed inside your halfhearted lips, cracked from thirst. I want to tell you Yumma that I know you used to come to my room at night, when you thought I was crying out of pain, to put your arms around me & kiss me on my cheeks. I know you loved me yumma.I want to tell you this, which I haven’t told you for years .Your breath was full of love, & it was full of sorrow. I wonder what you are thinking yumma...I need your forgiveness, I need you, and I Beg God not to take you .Not now. Not like how it happened…”

Sameer’s words still haunts & I still think about him... Sameer was a boy who lost his mom….His Yumma committed suicide as his dad betrayed her ..I listened to him with rapt attention & great astonishment…The district court of Goa had given a judgment in favour of his dad stating the cause for his Yummy’s suicide as physical & mentally disorder! A boy of 13 years having wealth beyond any measure has been traumatized so badly, both mentally & physically….

He still recounts the day his dad slept with another female making him & his mom sleep in another room in their house??..Does this ever happen anywhere….?? The subsequent day was like a nightmare for Sameer as his Yumma jumped into a near by well & committed Suicide…More than 2 years had passed & he was finally going into safer hands….

Sameer told about his mom. How great she was & how badly he misunderstood his mom when she kept on cursing his dad & often asked him to go to Delhi for his studies without revealing of his Dad’s secret affair…Sameer hadn’t realized how his dad was, until that day !..Months passed after his mom’s demise & his dad married the female who slept with him ….Sameer’s so-called stepmother physically & mentally tortured him for days…

He recounts his step mom having stripped & beat him once on his naked body because he refused to take bath & made him stand in the balcony for over an one hour !!..Humiliation, both mentally & phycially..There wasn’t a single person to rescue this kid except his Grandfather … His grandfather threatened his Dad & somehow boarded him to New Delhi where his maternal Aunt stayed….Sameer called her Hasina Khalto!..I remember him telling me that his Khalto was not blessed with any kids & she loved Sameer a lot …She was so generous to have accepted to keep Sameer with her for the rest of his life…Sameer said they were getting prepared for the adoption policies. I thought I was a kid before him…Even if he was born 2 years after me, he was mentally 5 years elder to me! I could never communicate with him again. I searched for him in Facebook, Orkut…all in vain.

But why did I fit this incident here ??..There is a strange reason!..Sameer never cried when he told this. Rather, I had lump in my throat when he spoke about his mom’s Unconditional love for Sameer …His grandfather had taught him after his mother’s demise on how to lead a mentally strong life….But he cried when he told about his Grandfather....Sameer loved him more than anyone in this world. He called him Jiddo....I always dreamt of meeting this Great man without whom this 13 year old wouldn’t have boarded the train from Madgon to New-Delhi..

Every body has a reason to cry, for it is one thing which creates or defines the bonding between one another!...

Surreal …Surrealism …Surrealist …In whatever form or context …This is probably how unconventional thinkers are called! Our thinking often resembles weird dreams, yet our unconscious thoughts connect life & reality!....

Often I imagined making a Desi version of my personal favourite movie “Cinema Paradisco” !...Kamal Hassan in for Jacques Perrin or the much acclaimed character of “Toto” (Adult) & Naseeruddin Shah for Philippe Noiret , the most loved character of Alfredo … This is one movie which I would have watched atleast over 10 times & still had tears in my eyes during its simple, yet the most wonderful climax ….

Different Pathos ...

I cried when I was a baby ( Innocence ) , I cried when my mom beat me over wetting the bed when I was 7 Years old ( Pain )!! , I cried when my dad slapped me for the first & last time in my life ( Till now ) ( Shock ),I cried when I faced my first failure in a term exam when I was in 8th Std (Fear & Shame)….. I cried when I was awarded the best speaker in a District Elocution Competition (Happiness) ,I cried when my friend Ashwin left from Chennai to Kochi ( Helplessness ) , I cried on the 10th Day of my Grandfather’s demise (Memory), I cried while reading Hassan’s letter to his good old friend Amir in the Kite Runner (Anguish) , I cried when Laila reads the letter written by Mariam’s Dad to Mariam (The Thousand Splendid Suns-Fiction) & when I saw “La Vitta e bella” (Sacrifice [For a wonderful bond between a dad & daughter/Son ]), I cried when Sang-woo realizes the greatness of his Grandma ( The Way Home - Jibeuro) ( {Unconditional Love} Dedicated to all Grandmothers )…….

Its been over a month since I commenced writing on this Topic …While I understood the difficulty of connecting incidents to explain the diverse reasons behind this small word, I am still in search for an exact answer?!...I hope readers would help me in understanding the larger perspective of this simple word from their point of view… Beyond emotions, beyond bonds, beyond relationship, is there a diverse Understanding??!...